Friday, April 24, 2009


It's bit long.. but it’s MESS!!! I’m not checking the grammar or spelling, it’s to nice out.. I’m scootering!

Margaret; A brief background

Back in the day Margaret was my boss, her nickname was MESS. It was good times working for her.

Margaret: (just small talk in the office) “this morning i got out of the shower and looking in the mirror I saw that I was completely white down there” (she’s a big lady.. doesn't see her lady parts very often)

For this she got the new nickname “White Out”

My job back in the day was not like most peoples, i was the “entertainer”, this simply put, when ever we’d have guest visit the office I was the guy that took then out, showed them Chicago and had an open budget, yes... top shelf cocktails! This was like three times a week.

If someone came in to see Margaret, she go out with us as well. This was always a treat. It wasn’t “what is she going to do next” only because it was always something. Say we are at the Cheese Cake Factory and I ordered something, “Oh, mushrooms?” I might say. And with out a moments thought There was MESS to the rescue. Yep, she reach that big o’ sweaty fat hand into my plate and start picking out the mushrooms. Sure the guest were a bit taken back, I, well I was use to it.. and hey, it’s free cocktails.. who’s eating anyway?

Well back in the day at every party, gathering or bar night, everyone would ask.. “what’s the new MESS story” because there was always a new one.

The Wheelchair:
(she use to come to work and made the company buy her a wheelchair because she wasn’t into walking. I use to push her, at high rates of seed all over the place, I swear, we got air when taking her out side and flying off sidewalks).

Anyway, so i push her into a meeting, everyone sitting around this big desk. I push her to the door, everyone looks, “oh.. cripple” they were thinking. And then she stands up and walks to a chair. All mouth drop. Ahh.. good time.

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up:
Margaret use to fall all the time, only on office property of course. Well it got to be so common that she yell “Help me... I’ve fallen” though out the office and everyone would go on about what they were doing. So she had to get up on her on and try again the next day. OH! so this one time she did this a a young German was visiting, he ran to her.. and well could’nt lift her (she’s a big woman). I was watching and was busting a nut! It was like a old slap stick movie. No, I never went to help, but I did go out with the German guy for a while. CUTE!

Well i could go on and on about all the stories.. there were tons! But lets moved forward a bit.

MESS was let go years back. She sued the company for something (“There is mold in here, I can’t breath!) Though there wasn’t, but she got some $$’s and got to stay home and sit all day!

Now, last friday she calls out of the blue asking if I wanted a 1950’s blond wood bedroom set. Seems her mother in-lay died and was going to empty her house. I know.. you’re saying “Didn’t you just get a new bedroom set?” Yes.. but this is going to go in a whole new direction. Wait to you see it when it’s done. It’s going to be something!

Ok.. back to the story, It’s Friday so i tell her I’ll come over Monday after work.

Oh, on a side note.. I’m out this party at this store that Friday and met this cool guy, Billy. Who just happens to work with a moving company. Fate?! Oh, and cute to boot!

Blue Chicago Moving, I’ll get more info and post it, use them for all your moving needs!

Where was i... Oh.. so i go visit MESS:
Margaret stories..
So, I was at Target a few months ago (the new one by me, at work, ROCKS!) and I see a lady in one of those Target elect chairs.. and low and behold it's Margaret!

It was the funniest thing, she was wheeling herself all over the place, bumping into things, knocking things off shelves.

I go and say "Hi!" we were talking and I notice she's going backwards.. she doesn't seem to notice.. and who am I'm to tell her.

so this lady is standing there and the chair is going backward, I'm stepping forward to keep up.

Well... she runs right into the lady... then looks back at her like it was the ladies fault. "Hey, I'm in a chair here!" LOL!!!

ahh.. Good times!


Then this past Friday she calls me out of the blue "Do you still like blond wood furniture?" I told her sure and she says that she is getting rid of her mother in-laws bedroom set. So what the hell, I tell her I'm come look at it.

I go to her house.

Margaret is now out the wheel chair and on to a office chair on wheels... she wheels herself all over that house.. oh and the house... everything is at office chair height so she can reach it. So in the kitchen it's all there on the counter, everything! What a mess as in MESS.

so she decided to cook so I could stay for dinner.

She's pulling this meat thing apart by hand and is sort of sweating in it.. then she opens up this bottle of bbq sauce and pours it in a bowl then adds a bottle of ketchup and then the brown sugar.. a box of it! Stirs it all together and then pours it over the meet. Then digs in to mix it all together. (I know.. you're starting to hungry now too!)

Her spinster sister comes home. (is this a "set up?" LOL!)

Margaret says "Sis, why don't you take Brandon over to look at the bedroom set". (my.. my... it's sounding like a set up! EEKK. Mary is her spinster sister. She's a mess in her own right!)

so we hop the back fence and into the house behind hers. The bedroom set ROCKS! (1950's clean and modern... the bedroom set can go for an easy $2,500.00+.) The bedroom will totally work in my new place.

so we go back and "Dinner is ready!"

It's sweet meat! I had a little bit, so it was like eating 4 snickers bars!

I'm stopping by after tomorrow, there are things in the basement that are mid-century I'm going to look at..

OH, so of course she brings out pictures of the family. Dave her son.. well GLAMOUR SHOTS!! He totally got her looks! Hair, body and all!


So..... I go to MESS's house after work yesterday...

"HI BRANDON!" Mary greets me at the door... (she has a mustache)

Mary and I go over to the dead ladies house and raid the basement. SWIIT! But as Joe says “You’re a minimalist! You can’t have more things!”

We go back to MESS’s place. She ordered Chinese Food.

We're waiting for the delivery so I'm on the couch and MESS sits in this recliner next to me. She hits this button and the back of the chair starts to go back, she talking while this is happening.

The chair goes back and back.. I can no longer see her head. Then she pushes another button.. her legs start to rise... she still talking and not saying anything about what the hell she's up to. she's almost standing on her head in this chair. it's quiet something to see. then her legs start to come down and she's like in a upside down U and stays like that. Still talking. I'm thinking "Thank the Gods she wore PANTS!

The door rings, food is here. Yep.. 4 bags of it!

Mary sets the table and we sit down and dig in. (I really get myself into odd situations.. eating camel shit with the Sunni's in Jordan.. Running around Germany with the shits.. oh ,the list goes on and on. it’s a odd life)

At the Table:

Margaret: "Brandon, there are mushrooms in this one so I'll just dig them out"

(she opens the carton and proceeds to dig in, looking for mushrooms.. this is with her sweaty hands mind you)

Mary: "Oh I can't eat much of anything here.. see.. I have (here she goes down a list of ailments and such)"

Mary: "Oh, if I even touch that I'll die" (as I move the box of whatever it was closer to her... hehehe)

Margaret: "Brandon have more.. you should eat more!"

Brandon: "Oh, I can't, summers coming, I got to get in to my bathing suit"

Mary: "I don't own a bathing suit"

Margaret: "Oh, I do!"

Mary: "But you can't get into it."

Later Mary gets up and brings over this cake in a container.

Mary: "here Brandon... have cake! I can't, If I touch it I'll DIE!"

(man, it was like that nursery rime.. where the witch tries to feed you tons so she can EAT YOU!)

I cut this little sliver and put it in front of me.

Margaret: "Is that all?" Cut me some too."

Brandon: "how much?"

Margaret: "oh.. the same as yours"

so were done and I'm making my exit!

Margaret: "Take the food home, I can't eat it"

(there is a ton of food. It took a whole shelf in my frig)

Mary: "Oh, I can't eat it .. I'll DIE!"

I get up and Mary walks me to the door.

Mary: "oh, it's locked.. I'll get it"

(they locked me in? EEKK!!!!!)

I get out.. I'm FREE!!!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Overheard: A boy - "Sidney, we could go in the alley and fuck." Sidney - “How romantic”

"Trying To Get Along With Humans"
by: Goblin Cock

Cheri’s Birthday Party at The Liars Club

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Where am I, what am I looking at?

They said I was out of my mind.. they didn't know how close to the truth they were

"DMT in the pineal glands of Biblical prophets gave God to humanity and let ordinary humans perceive parallel universes."

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you!

Yet another fabulous dinner party!

The evening started of so innocently…. and yet, it ended up with a check in to Betty Ford. (robert downey jr and I have adjoining rooms)

Joe pulled off a fabulous meal. Friends showed and bottles were opened. Then more bottles were opened. And then a box o'wine (box o'wine is "IN". no really, it is!) Then we played Rock Star, no not wii… real rock star! It was all great times.

"SoFo for a night cap?" and we're out the door.

Well, yours truly was a bit toasted by then. I know.. SHOCK!

Then an Evil boy showed up with bad things! So.. what's a boy to do? Yep.. Jackhammer! Mind you, I never go there, I am a boy of purity and innocence. I was just out of my mind is all. Then I got lost in there.. "where are my friends" I was asking this boy who was totally taking advantage of my.. um.. my mess-ness. Anyway, I got his number and found my friends. We get in a cab, car? Who knows.

It's 4am.. the nights over… right.. but we stop at some pizza place and the boys come out with a case of beer. I'm wondering "what can that be for?"

Wii Party at my place.

Saturday Morning-ish:

I come to, to a house full of passed out half naked boys. What is one to do? Make breakfast! (ok, that's Joe's department. I made coffee!)

At some point everyone leaves, I go back to bed… I stay there till Sunday afternoon.


So, maybe you're wondering "How do I get on the Dinner Party List?"

It's easy, just send a e-mail ( saying you'd like to be on it.

Next up we are planning for DJ and Quincy, ROYCE boys, Gary and Chad…